"Pony Uber"
Over the last year, or more, I have delved into improving my feelings of anxiety when going to my doctor, aka "White Coat Syndrome". I would love to say that at my yearly appointment one of the Disney fairies popped in and snapped her fingers, or said “biddity-bopity-boo", and feelings of anxiety were nonexistent before and during my doctor’s visit. However, what I can share is the anxiety before the appointment was less. If I think about the layers of anxiety as being tissue thin, then there are now at least 5 layers that have left. That is a victory!
More importantly, my doctor and I had a great visit about anxiety. I would not have understood her words if I had not had the following experience just a couple days before my appointment. I committed myself to picking up a pony for a friend in Carmel Valley (For those of you who live in the Monterey, California area, you will recognize some of the landmarks in this story.). Transporting horses always feels like a big responsibility and I have a degree of anxiousness when doing so. However, I decided to make a fun day of it by taking my horse, Emmy, and my pony Chloe Mae, for a ride in Garland Park prior to retrieving the pony. The quickest way to go is over Laureles Grade. I have done this many, many times since I used to take riding lessons in Carmel Valley.
My husband encouraged me to go via highway 68 instead. He had good reasons. My truck is older (2006), there is no shoulder to pullover on Laureles Grade if something were to happen, and it puts strain on my truck. I countered I have never driven around because it takes longer. I finally settled that it would not take that much longer, and his reasons were valid. I felt a lowering of my anxiousness immediately. However, I still was concerned about merging from 68 to Highway 1 with my truck and 3 horse-trailer. My reason being that the traffic at that specific spot, before the Monterey turnoff, is hectic with cars merging onto Highway 1 from 68, while others are merging to take the Monterey turnoff. My husband, hearing my concern said “You are big. They will see you.” I thought “What does that have to do with anything?”
It wasn’t until I was at that actual area in my drive that I understood why my husband’s words did not make sense to me, and how this tied into feelings of anxiety merging with the horse trailer (or any vehicle). I am hypervigilant. When I drive, I look way ahead and behind constantly, more than is necessary. My husband was right, although the traffic was dense and I could not see a space for my truck and trailer to merge, I was seen and cars slowed to allow me in. It is not just when driving that I over think, but in many areas of my life. This type of hypervigilance, I imagine, would serve a community well if they needed a guard to watch for danger, but is overly active for this civilized life.
When talking with my doctor about anxiety, she said, more or less, this is who I am. She said a person does not get rid of anxiety. It is part of their nature. I would not have been able to accept this, or understood her words, if I had not had this experience hauling my horses. She shared that her daughter frames her anxiety as her “little buddy”. When a seemingly challenging situation arises, she figuratively “puts her arm around it and says they will do this together.” Her daughter also says she uses feelings of anxiety as a barometer: Does she need more rest? Is it time for a therapy session? Does she need more exercise? Genius! This has led me to think of anxiety and fear in a different way. I now tell myself I walk with anxiety, thoughtfully, instead of trying to cast it out of my personal kingdom. It is a tool!
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